The one where chemo didn't exactly go to plan....

All I can say is that I genuinely hope that the next 5 rounds of chemo aren't like this! All started well, my chemo nurse arrived at the house on Tuesday morning and hooked me up to the scalp cooling machine, it was a pretty unpleasant experience as it got down to temperature (as you can probably see by my face!) and then the cocktail began. I managed to go through most of the session working away on my emails and donning the requisite "cancer fighter" tank top which was kindly sent over by Nathan's fellow University of Western Ontario rowers.

Chemo makes you pretty cold and the ice-cap doesn't really help matters, I ended the session wearing a fleece, thermal socks, a hot water bottle and a blanket - you're not seeing that photo as it is ridiculous!

3 hours later, the nurse removed the cap and the ice (yes ice!) from my hair, explained the follow-up drugs and left. Unfortunately, within the hour I was doubled over with vomiting and other unmentionables. The initial plan was to take me to A&E but thankfully Woodlands Hospital were able to free me up a room and by luck my favourite Oncology nurse was on duty that night. She nursed me through the next 12 hours with a level of kindness and compassion I never thought possible. By the following evening, the Oncologist had managed to formulate the most effective cocktail to help me to stop chucking everything up and after a second sleepless night thanks to the steroids I was promptly sent home the following morning. 

I must admit, there were low points during that first night when I thought to myself "I really don't know how I'm going to get through 6 rounds of this" but as my amazing friend Jules reminded me - "If it's making you this sick, just think what it's doing to those bastard cancer cells!"

On a far more positive note, earlier in the week we visited my surgeon for the results of the axillary node clearance, as you may remember, the first clearance found that 3 out of 4 nodes were cancerous so the results of this clearance were crucial - he removed 21 nodes and only 2 were affected! Hurray! Unfortunately this has taken us marginally over the magic number of 4 nodes for staging purposes but for the first time he has been confident enough to talk about my cancer being curable.

We're hoping that the next round will be accompanied by the correct antiemetic mix and I will be sure to keep you posted on how the next couple of weeks pan-out. Collecting a giggling and very excitable Erica up from nursery today and spending an awesome weekend celebrating the wedding of our gorgeous friends Vicky and Jason made me realise exactly what it is I'm fighting for.

#fightlikeagirl

The one where I learn to not to Google stuff.....

This was supposed to be the update where I talk about the haircut and describe it as some sort of traumatic experience watching the locks fall to the floor, that won't be necessary as I'm actually pretty pleased with it! Erica provided some moral support and had her barnet done at the same time, she kept asking why I'd gone for such a dramatic look and I stuggled to come up with a concise justification but she simply proclaimed that she loved it and the conversation moved on!

Thankfully the team at Quinns in Okehampton are old-hat at pre-chemo haircuts and were able to give lots of advice on what to expect when it does start to fall out and when it does eventually grow back.

So here's the final result, I'm actually rather disappointed that I'm not going to have very long to get used to it but at least I know that short hair doesn't look ridiculous on me! 

I'm meeting the chemotherapy nurses on Monday and will receive the first course at home the following day, I'm not expecting the initial effects to be overly dramatic but will be relieved once the chest-port is in place so that I don't need to worry about cannulas or tubes getting in the way of daily life.

The mistake that I did make was to Google the aspects of my pathology which I did not fully understand, if you ever have the misfortune of developing cancer I would strongly advise not to do that! I stumbled upon an NPI score (which was 6.7) and stupidly Googled it, once I realised that the score was the wrong side of what I was expecting it sent me into a bit of a panic, thankfully Nathan had spotted it long before me and had discussed it at length with people who know far more about these things than we do. Apparently the system was developed in the 1970's and calculates prognosis based on surgery alone, they tell me that chemo increases your chances by another 12% and radiotherapy adds another 10% to that; as we know, none of these things are certain but add my bloody-mindedness (which cannot be measured) and we have a pretty reasonable state of play!

Anyway, we're having a brilliant time with the old's in Winkleigh and I'm pretty sure that the Devon air is playing its part in killing some more cancer cells, when I joined Dad and Nathan for the obligatory shooting contest, I told myself to imagine on the first shot that the exploding target was the disease - the result speaks for itself! #fightlikeagirl

We have a plan..

Okay, I have a plan, using mainly spoons......

I've come to the conclusion that every meeting with Consultants, no matter how much you prepare, results in you wishing that you'd done more research. Even when you feel like you get to a point where you understand the prognosis, the treatment options, nutritional factors and advances in science, they still manage to flummox you!

The good news is that I really like my Oncologist, the bad news is that the treatment is going to be a lot longer and tougher than we'd anticipated. We're going to have 6 rounds of chemo (at home!), 4 weeks of radiotherapy and 5 years of hormone injections...... seriously, I know we want to nuke the bastard cells but even this seems extreme! 

There are 2 things about my cancer that I was completely oblivious to: 

1. Chemotherapy is a "shot in the dark" some people respond to it and get better, some don't

2. Even when it's all complete, there is no way of telling whether or not any of the treatment has been successful, the only test we have is to see whether or not any more tumours develop within the next 5 years.

Both of those things are a bummer. 

We had a brief conversation about prognosis but I made it abundantly clear that I don't want to know, I want to face this fight, like any other challenge, with the will to win. 

We're taking ourselves off to Winkleigh to have an enforced week of normality before the serious stuff starts, I promise to post photos of the haircut!

Thanks for the cards and presents that continue to flood in, I particularly liked my post-it and brown-paper card from my esteemed colleagues at BP.... at least the workshop materials are going to some good use in my absence!

#fightlikeagirl

Many people are alive but don't touch the miracle of being alive - Thich Nhat Hanh

Hello all

Tardiness is unbecoming - I discovered that my blog hit 7,100 views this morning and many of them were over the last couple of days where most of you were probably looking for an update of some sort - sorry about that!

The axilliary node clearance was a success but having my arm strapped behind my head for several hours has aggravated a gnarly shoulder injury picked up on a black-run in Canada and left me with limited use of my left arm and fingers - the ability to type is returning but is ham-fisted although I'm not sure how much of that is down to the surgery or the drugs! Tomorrow's mission is to convince BUPA to pay for physiotherapy and chemotherapy at home, I feel a bit sorry for them as they have become the channel through with I vent the arguments I would otherwise be enjoying at work!

The good thing about surgery this time around is that they have managed to refine the drug cocktail to stop me from re-enacting scenes from The Exorcist every time I come around from the anaesthetic, I now seem to wake up demanding chips and Rioja with Nathan reassuring the nurses that this is, in fact, entirely normal behaviour. 

We're seeing the Oncologist tomorrow to agree the treatment plan and what to expect over the next couple of months, I'm hoping to have a week's grace so that I can get over the 2 rounds of surgery and come to terms with a new haircut (not quite decided what to go for but ideally something that doesn't fall out in huge clumps) so a trip to see you lovely people of Devon will certainly be on the cards.

Will keep you posted xx

#fightlikeagirl

The day of the second operation......

The day of the second operation......

Well, things seem a little clearer following my last (rather dramatic) post. Upon the advice of my Consultant and many of you I have managed to break-down the journey ahead into steps and will face each step at a time rather than try and comprehend the enormity of it all.

In a quest to try and take control of this situation, I have started to research the role that nutrition can play in both the prevention and treatment of cancer, I was flabbergasted to learn that 30% of all cancer cases are linked to poor nutrition - that's the same as smoking!! There appear to be a number of things that cancer hates (cabbage, green tea, soya, turmeric) and things that cancer loves (sugar, alcohol, pesticides, fats, aspartame); needless to say, my diet has always been light on the former and heavy on the latter - all of that is about to change! If you're interested in learning more, "Anticancer" is a really good read and has helped me to feel like I can start taking some control of my recovery. I'm also glad to say that cancer likes red wine (in moderation) so there is no need for any of you to disown me just yet!

Needless to say, I'm not entirely sure how Nathan feels about the enforced changes to shopping habits but I think as long as I resist moving the family into a treehouse and dressing us all in hemp clothing he's happy to oblige.

Erica continues her medical training and has lost all bedside manner entirely, the thermometer is thrust into your ear followed shortly by a plumber's style sharp intake of breath as she considers the prognosis, she insisted that she could undertake today's axiliary node clearance herself once she'd eaten her pasta and had finished painting the rainbow giraffe. I gracefully declined and promised that she could change the dressings when I get home. My hope is that one day we can look back on this as an experience that we all went through together and, as a result, became closer as a family - especially when she's a celebrated Oncologist and can fund our care in our old age!

Mum continues to work her magic as nurse, nanny, cleaner, cook, dog walker and shoulder to cry on, she has taken on so much responsibility in order to make this easier on us and really is a formidable woman - proof that it is in the genes!

Anyway, I'm due to have surgery at 5.30pm tonight and am sitting patiently in my room waiting to be drawn-on and to adorn the fetching gown, paper pants and stockings! I'll let you know how it goes and thank you all so much for your ongoing support.

5,500 views and counting! 

#fightlikeagirl     #WeWillUnite

Not the update I was hoping to write...

Hello all

We saw my Consultant today and it's not the news we were hoping for..

He removed 4 lymphs in the sentinel node biopsy and 3 were cancerous, in addition, the tumour is over 9cm and appears to be aggressive. The plan now is that I will go back into surgery on Wednesday to remove the remaining lymph nodes and then throw the kitchen sink at this bastard thing - chemotherapy, radiotherapy and hormone therapy.

People may dislike Lance Armstrong but the more I read his book the more it resonates with me: "We have two options both medically and emotionally; give up or fight like hell"

It's going to be a much longer journey than we expected but I know I'll get through it with all of the support I have around me from all of you, how on earth a girl from Weymouth can write a blog that's read over 4,000 times by people all over the world is beyond me, thank you for being with us on this journey, we love you.

Fight like a girl xx

PS, thanks for the wine Simon and Amanda, I needed it!!